Turning 33

For some reason, turning 33 really made me think about the duration of human life. It seems like just the other day I was turning 32. My children's birthdays seem to fly from one to the other. My husband and I are going on a cruise next month to celebrate our 10 year anniversary (on Carnival, nonetheless). It really does feel like the other day, and yet thinking of all the things that have happened in that decade makes me realize a lot of time has gone by. I have noticed it on my physical body as well. Even though I have probably never been more fit and healthy, I see the age spots on my face. I see the stomach that has carried two girls and will never look the way it did. I have acknowledged the fact that I will never go back to the day when I didn't know what a heart palpitation was. Sometimes when I see my young girls, I covet their youthful experience. When the best part of the day is eating a chocolate cupcake on your mom's birthday and the worst part of the day is when your tiny tinker bell snow globe breaks. That age of innocence is a brief breath of the human existence. We do grow indeed in stature, in wisdom, in heartache, in grief, and in joy. And at 33, I believe I'm sort of in the middle of it. You know you have to be somewhat old when your cake has only one candle on it. So there's no escaping time. As much as I want to freeze it and not let my girls get any bigger, I know it can't be so. The only thing we can do is embrace every moment and live in the present.

And in light of my birthday, I decided to change my blog design, add labels to ease search, and update my picture (the old pict of me was when I was 23). Hope you like the changes I made. 

To God be the Glory

I'm normally not a fan of any blog posting that gushes about how wonderful their husband is, how amazing their children are, or how awesome their life is. To me, it always seems a bit like bragging when it's on the ye old internet. But today I'm going to go a bit crazy and do a little public praising. Not to the mere mortals in my life, but to the God above, below and around.

Thank you God for providing me with a life partner that has supported me in health and in sickness. Nine years a go we took a vow and have fervently tried to uphold it.

Thank you God for each and every day that I am able to get up and take care of my children. The peace of mind and remission from palpitations has been a gift that I do not take for granted.

Thank you God for little baby laughs and toddler kisses. My youngest daughter is 4 months old now and has brought immeasurable joy to my life. Her easy going spirit is so refreshing. My toddler is feisty but I love that she won't be a pushover in life. She carries her emotions on her sleeves.

Thank you God for a family that lives near to me. Thank you for their guidance, support, and love. And thank you that they are always so willing to watch my children.

Thank you God for surrounding me with loving friends. Friends who have stuck by me, laughed with me, and cared for me.

Thank you God for the rain you are sending as I type this post. After a year of drought, it is so refreshing to hear the pitter patter of water falling and the wildflowers that have bloomed as a result.

Thank you God for sending your Son, Jesus the Christ, with whom we'd be nothing but dust without.

To God be the glory, great things He has done; so loved He the world that He gave us His Son, who yielded His life an atonement for sin, and opened the life gate that all may go in.

31-years-old

Sunday was my birthday. I'm now 31 years old. Turning 30 was really difficult for me. My cousin died when she was 30, and I think it has always haunted me. I even played this twisted game in my head that somehow I would die when I was 30 of a heart arrhythmia just like her. I'm so thankful to God that I lived through 30 and He has given me yet another day to take care of my precious little girl. My heart still weeps that Beth did not.

Which Came First, the Fear or the Flutter?

I believe a stressful first year of college along with genetics and the death of my beloved cousin was the catalyst in the beginning of my heart palpitations. I feared them and had a couple panic attacks after experiencing many in a row. So I believe my panic attacks started when I first got the dance in my heart. In fact, most of my panic attacks today still revolve around when anticipating or experiencing a bad round of PVCs. About 5 years a go, I was in the midst of the hardest year of my life--my first year teaching. Up until Christmas of that first year I was just trying to stay afloat. I got up early, taught seven year old children, pacified crazy parents, worked late, and came home only to crash on the couch. I dropped below 100 pounds that year. In the Spring of that year, I was driving to Target on the highway and thought I felt a couple flip flops. My heart started to race and I panicked. I started to hyperventilate and the only thing I could think of was to get off that highway as quickly as possible. As soon as I exited, my heart started to calm down, and I was able to complete my shopping trip taking side streets on the way home. Little did I know that that event would trigger one of my biggest anxieties that I deal with to date. Driving on the highway. I can get around okay for the most part and even a couple years a go, I thought I had it beat because I drove all the way to Austin from San Antonio by myself. But I got pregnant and for whatever reason toting a child and being responsible for her safety made me fear the highway again. I had a big panic attack last Summer while getting on the highway and I haven't been on it since.

So that leads me to the important question: Which came first, the panic or the heart flutters? It seems like if you look at my history, the heart flutters began while I was driving on the highway. Then the panic set in. But I can see it the other way around, too. The stress of driving that day 5 years a go caused the palpitations. And now I associate the highway with palpitations--the two linked with fear and loss of control.

I've come so far at accepting my heart palpitations. And overall I think I'm a highly functioning person. I don't let my fear of highway driving stop me from going out. In fact sometimes I think I even overcompensate by making sure I don't close myself off from the world like Paula Deen did. I'm pretty social and I definitely want my daughter to see me driving around and going places. Currently I'm on a new found quest to start driving on highways again. I'm looking into a trying out a highly recommended source--"The Original Driving Fear Program" at http://www.drivingfear.com/index.php. I'm also working on trying not to feel embarassed or ashamed that I'm not comfortable driving on highways. There are certain people in my life that I would still like to tell and have them offer me support.

Maybe one day I'll be that annoying girl cruising on the highway--windows opened, music blaring, singing loudly, and hair flying.

Happy Birthday Beth!

Yesterday would have been my cousin Beth's 41st birthday. She died in 1999 of a rare heart arrhythmia. She was only 30. The same age I am today. She left behind 4 beautiful girls. Beth was also plagued by PVCs. Her doctors initially told her not to worry and didn't take her condition serious because she was so young. Shortly before her death and unbeknownst to me that she was even experiencing heart problems, I first noticed my heart palpitations while in college. Most likely it was due to the stress of life transitions and a load of challenging coursework. Needless to say when I found out about Beth's heart problems and her subsequent death, I began to think that I had what she had. Especially when there were rumors that her death may be hereditary. To this day no one knows exactly why Beth died. Long QT? Botched ablation procedure? Weaning off Beta Blockers? V-tach? But from what we do know, Beth died of something besides occasional PVCs. It has taken me a long time to come to that conclusion. Her brother also experiences heart palpitations and his doctor has looked at Beth's medical records and also assures him that he does not have what Beth had. But at times both he and I worry when the occasional bout turns frequent or intense. Since Beth isn't around to blow out candles anymore, I'll make her wish for her. I wish that her girls would continue to grow more and more beautiful and that they would have happy healthy hearts all the days of their lives.